I have been through several days of really miserable depression. . .

Just out of the blue I woke up one morning feeling depressed.  I think it started with that book Simple Abundance .  She said a person should get an artist’s sketchbook and fill it with pictures of the home you would like to have; go to a travel agency and get brochures of trips you would like to take, etc., etc.

The author has children in grade school, and I think the book applies to women that age – definitely younger than I am.  These things are supposed to help you find your authentic self.

I got to thinking back to when I was that age.  We were too poor to quit farming.  In order to keep our Grade A Dairy status, we were required to build the new milk barn.  I learned to milk, and I hated every minute I spent doing it.  I also drove wheat trucks that were in terrible condition.  I was driving a wheat truck when I was five months pregnant with you!

Trucks didn’t have lifts at that time – or at least ours didn’t.  I would always get out when a truck was lifted with a hoist – just in case it would snap.  Didn’t think my baby would appreciate that kind of a drop.  This was at the time when the women’s liberation movement was starting. I would read stories about men becoming impotent because they were having to dry dishes.  As I was scooping cow shit out of the barn and sometimes spitting it out of my mouth, I really did not feel very sympathetic toward them.  My thoughts were something like, “You poor bastards, my heart aches for you.”

As I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I was being my authentic self.  I was taking care of my family and helping my husband hold onto what was precious to him.  In those days, I don’t think we had even heard the word “bankruptcy”, and would not have ever considered it.  We tightened our belt and worked our way out of it.

It is the same way now – this is not the life either one of us would have chosen, but this is the way it is.  I feel that my authentic self is fully operational.

I had been feeling sorry for myself, and I deserved it.  Finally, last night I decided I had neglected the true source of help.  As I was doing exercises, the Bible verse, “All who are weary and heavy burdened come unto me and I will give you rest,” came to me.  That was as far as I could get, but that kept going through my head.  This morning, I awoke feeling like myself again.