Sometimes when caregivers do something just for themselves they feel like they are taking something away from their care receiver. The opposite is true. Having something to look forward to and doing an activity you enjoy energizes you; it relieves stress, and it helps you to feel refreshed. When you are feeling balanced physically, mentally, and emotionally, you are better able to care for others.
As a caregiver, it is critically important to have something to look forward to on a regular basis. It may be that you enjoy reading, listening to music, working in a garden, exercising, or watching a special television program. The type of activity doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you have some time you can claim as your own. It is also important that your care receiver understands that this is your time and you do not want to be disturbed.
Setting aside time for yourself is important, as it also helps sets some boundaries. Aging, chronically ill, or disabled people can become self-centered and extremely demanding. They can sometimes use their weakness or illness as a way to control their caregiver’s behavior. Caregiver guilt can turn into a vicious cycle of anger, guilt, and depression. Maintaining a healthy sense of self and taking care of your own needs is not selfish. Having a little private time reduces emotional stress. And when you reduce caregiver stress, you are better able to maintain your mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual strength. Feeling well physically and emotionally will help you provide care for an aged, chronically ill or disabled person.
It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Your idea of an enjoyable activity might be setting aside half an hour to read, meditate, or go for a walk. Perhaps you enjoy listening to music or watching a particular television program. Maybe you just want uninterrupted time to have a phone conversation with a friend.
Try choosing one activity and then follow these three steps.
1. Schedule the activity at the same time every day.
2. Let your care receiver know that this is your time and you do not want to be disturbed.
3. Do it. Make it a part of your routine.
Madelyn set aside time to read each night after Quentin went to bed. He didn’t like it, but she learned that setting limits and having a little time to herself was essential to maintaining her own physical and mental health. She wrote:
“The one place where I don’t give in to Quentin is when I want to sit in the living room by myself and read at night. He never wanted me to do that when he was well. Now he says he can’t sleep if the light is on, and the noise of the turning pages bothers him.
He never has any trouble sleeping in the daytime. The dishwasher can be going, the TV can be on and the sweeper running and he can sleep without any problem. I told him last night to not worry if he couldn’t sleep while I was reading, because he wouldn’t have any trouble when it’s daytime and I’m working. I need some time for myself, and if he can’t sleep, he will just have to stay awake.”
Like Madelyn, you may experience some initial resistance from your care receiver and even other family members. If you stay firm in your resolve to take care of yourself by setting aside a small bit of time each day to do something you enjoy, eventually everyone else will accept and respect it, and in the end, all of you will benefit.
