It helps to know that anger is actually a predictable and normal response to circumstances over which we have little or no control. And then you add to that “The 3 F’s of Flipping Out” – Fatigue, Fear, and Frustration, and you have a very volatile situation.

Caregiver Fatigue:

Caregivers can reach a point of physical and emotional exhaustion that most people cannot even begin to conceive. When fatigue becomes a chronic condition, you are more vulnerable to physical ailments and emotional upset. Getting enough sleep, a diet of healthy foods, rather than fast food and junk food, regular exercise, and respite care can help you conserve the energy it requires to take care of an aging, chronically ill, or disabled person. If you are sleep deprived, or emotional exhausted, you are much more likely to lose your temper.

Caregiver Fear:

Most caregivers live with a lot of fear. A degenerative disease can be like the bogey man in the closet or the monster under the bed. You know the disease is there. What you don’t know is how bad it’s going to get, how long it’s going to last, or how much it’s going to cost. Many caregivers fear they will not be tough enough to go through the long process of illness and dying, and they also are afraid that they will run out of money before their loved one dies. These fears are real, but if you dwell on them constantly, they will wear you down emotionally. It can be helpful to write down the things that are causing you the greatest amount of fear and specifically name the worst thing that could possibly happen.

Acknowledging the worst case scenario as a possibility can actually help you make plans to deal with it if and when it does happen. There is something very cathartic about the physical act of writing about emotions. When you get those swirling, upsetting thoughts down on a piece of paper, it can sometimes free up a little space in your heart and your brain for more positive thoughts. If you don’t have worrying thoughts waking you up in the middle of the night, you will be less sleep deprived, which in turn will make you feel stronger physically and emotionally. When you are rested, you are less likely to get angry at your care receiver and your situation.

Caregiver Frustration:

As a caregiver, there are many things over which you have absolutely no control. You cannot control the progression of the disease or the eventual outcome. You cannot control your care receiver’s behavior – or the behavior of your family and friends. You have no power over the rules and regulations of the medical community, the insurance companies, the government systems of Medicare, Medicaid, or even Veterans Benefits. The list of people and situations that you cannot control is very, very long. Just as with fear, the act of writing down the things that are causing you the greatest deal of frustration can help alleviate some of the emotional charge associated with each upsetting and frustrating situation

So when you take a difficult situation, add to it caregiver fatigue, fear, and frustration, the question is not whether you will get angry – because you will. The real question is how you will handle it. Some people blow up. Others stuff their anger. When anger is turned inward it often leads to depression.

It is important to find a safe outlet for your anger. Some people find that writing is a great outlet, and it can have an amazing cathartic affect. Other people find a safe haven and a lot of comfort in caregiver support groups. A caregiver support group is a great place to share negative feelings, because you are doing it in a safe place. Many times family members and friends just simply cannot understand the burden carried by a caregiver. They don’t understand because they have no frame of reference. One of the wonderful things about being a part of a caregiver support group is that every person in the group experiences similar emotions. It can be very helpful to know that you are not the only person feeling hateful or angry toward your care receiver (or a myriad of other people and circumstances).

Physical exercise, Yoga, meditation, spending time in nature, reading, and listening to music may also have a calming effect. There are many ways of releasing anger in a safe manner. Giving yourself permission to feel angry is the first step. Naming the source of your anger is the second step. Accepting the fact that there some things within your control and many things over which you have no control, is the third step. And then finally, if you can reach a point where you realize that the only thing over which you have total control is your attitude, you will be in a position to decide how much emotional energy you are willing to give to any person, thing, or event.