Cruel and controlling – Guilt is an emotion way over-used by most caregivers

The dictionary defines guilt as a sense of having done wrong or having failed in a obligation. Most caregivers get angry, which is not surprising, because the numbers of people and situations with which you can become upset are practically limitless. (See the video on Coping with Caregiver Anger.)

It is not unusual for caregivers to get caught up in a vicious cycle of anger and guilt. They feel guilty for losing their tempers and for saying hateful things. They experience feelings of guilt because they resent the time, attention, energy, and money it takes to care for someone who can no longer care for him/herself. If the caregiver did not have a great relationship with a parent or a spouse and is now responsible for managing that person’s care, it’s quite common for the caregiver to feel guilty because he/she doesn’t have loving feelings toward the care receiver.

At one of Elaine’s Caregiver Survival Workshops, Emily, an attendee whose mother was in the advanced stage of Alzheimer’s Disease said she was experiencing guilt because she had to trick her mother into doing almost everything. Emily felt guilty for “tricking” her mother into getting into the car to go to the doctor’s office. She felt guilty for “tricking” her into turning over her finances. She felt guilty for “tricking” her into moving out of her home and into a memory care facility. She also felt guilty for being angry at a sister who didn’t contribute time or money to their mother’s care.
Once Emily understood that there was a big difference between guilt and regret, she was able to release her feelings of guilt. Guilt is a reasonable emotional response if you intentionally cause harm to another person. Regret, on the other hand, is a feeling of sadness toward a particular situation. Emily had never done anything to hurt her mother. Everything she did was in her mother’s best interest. If she hadn’t “tricked” her, it’s doubtful that her mother would have remained safe financially or physically. Once Emily understood how to reframe those feelings of guilt into an expression of regret, she was able to release a lot of negative emotions. She now says, “I regret that my mother has Alzheimer’s and that I have to trick her into doing certain things so I can keep her safe.”
Emily also learned that she was not a bad person for having angry feelings toward a sister who did not participate in their mother’s care. She was perfectly entitled to be disappointed and angry with her sister. But instead of feeling guilty, she learned to say, “I am angry with my sister, and I regret that I have negative feelings toward her.”

If you are experiencing caregiver guilt, ask yourself these questions:

• Did I intentionally cause harm to another person?
• Could I accept, explain, or forgive that behavior in someone else?
• Is this feeling being imposed on my by someone else?
• Am I imposing these feelings of guilt on myself?
• Does my guilt benefit my care receiver?
• How is guilt serving me?

Guilt can be a cruel and controlling emotion. It rarely benefits anyone – especially a caregiver who is trying to do the right thing.
Perfection is not a realistic expectation. Give yourself permission to be human. Accept that fact that relationships in the very best of circumstances are difficult. (And when you are caring for someone who can no longer care for him/herself, you are not in the best of circumstances.) You will get angry. You will feel resentful, and sometimes you will feel very sorry for yourself. It’s okay to wallow once in a while. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Acknowledge it. Accept it. Deal with it, and move on.
If you can focus on all of the good, kind, loving, and generous things you do as a caregiver rather than dwelling on the times that you are less than saintly, you will feel stronger emotionally.

If you can stay emotionally well-balanced, you will be less vulnerable to ongoing feelings of resentment and depression.
Elaine K. Sanchez frequently delivers keynote speeches, workshops, and seminars at family caregiver conferences and gerontology conferences. She does work for the Paralyzed Veterans of America, Alzheimer’s Association, Area Agencies on Aging, community colleges, memory care facilities, long-term care facilities, Hospice organizations, as well as churches and other faith-based organizations. To book Elaine as a speaker for your event, email her at Elaine@EKSanchez.com, or call 503-949-2464.