Madelyn Kubin (my mother) was a 70 year-old Kansas farm woman who had very poor health, and very little money when my father  suffered a debilitating stroke. The next day he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and Madelyn became his caregiver. One of the ways she survived her six-year caregiving experience was to write letters to me.  I edited her letters into the book Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles of a Caregiver.

I have often said that each letter from her was like an episode of M*A*S*H.  There was always something that made me laugh, something that made me cry, and there was usually a moral or lesson to be learned.   Tender, honest, and uproariously funny, Madelyn’s letters tell a remarkable story of faith, courage, and humor.  There are many, many lessons I learned from my mother – about caregiving as well as life – but these are the three biggies:

• To care for someone else, you must first learn to care for yourself
• There is always an opportunity for mental and spiritual growth, even in the worst end-of-life situations
• As long as we have the ability to think and reason, we have the power to choose our attitude toward any person, thing, or event

Other caregivers tell me they love Madelyn because she gives them permission to be human.  She was not a saint. She experienced every negative emotion most caregivers experience – especially anger, guilt, depression, and grief.  As difficult as it was, she said she grew tremendously through the experience.

Here are some of the caregiver survival strategies I through Madelyn’s caregiving experience:

• Set aside time for yourself each day
• Get the right equipment
• Learn something new
• Stay connected socially
• Savor happy memories
• Set limits
• Redefine fun
• Develop your spiritual nature
• Accept help
• Make peace with death
• First and foremost - Control your attitude

Madelyn often wrote about the difficulty of being a caregiver, and her experience was not unique. Anyone who has cared for an elderly, disabled, or chronically ill individual for any length of time can tell you that the experience can be extremely stressful – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Whether the need for this caregiving arises from accidents, injuries, or illnesses, such as Alzheimer’s disease, strokes, other forms of dementia, or even from the natural progression of aging, the job of caregiving is hard.

About five years into Madelyn’s caregiving experience she wrote and said, “I wish I had been keeping a journal all of these years. I think it would be so interesting to see how I have grown and changed mentally and spiritually.  I also think my experiences could help other people who are going through a similar experience.”  That was the permission I needed to share her story.

After editing my mother’s letters into the book, Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles of a Caregiver, I decided I had to do more.  I started talking to caregiver support groups, book groups, church groups, and anyone else who would give me a microphone so I could share my mother’s story.  I got involved in the National Speakers Association, and I now travel around the country speaking to a variety of groups about managing the emotional stress of caregiving.

My mother handled her six-year caregiving ordeal with incredible dignity, grace, and humor, and I am so honored that I have the opportunity to share her story with others. I hope you enjoy these videos.