Q. My mother has Alzheimer’s, and we both get terribly bored when I visit. What can I
do to make our time together more enjoyable?

A. Think “playful”. If you try to connect and communicate with your mother as you did before she had Alzheimer’s, your visits could become excruciatingly difficult for both of you. It is painful to realize that you cannot carry on conversations as you once did, and it can be hard to accept that the things you used to like doing together may no longer be enjoyable, or even possible. So in order to preserve your own sanity, and to make the time enjoyable for her, you might consider incorporating music, animals, children, and videos into your visiting regimen.

Music

Music is a great way to entertain a person with dementia. Have you ever watched a very small child sway and bounce to the rhythm of a upbeat song? It has the same impact on an elderly person. Nothing can lift a mood or inspire a person to move like music can.

People who have lost the ability to talk can sometimes still sing, and if they can still walk, they would probably enjoy dancing – or at least moving to the music. People generally form their musical preferences when they are in their early teens. If your mother was part of the “Greatest Generation”, she will probably have a lot of memories attached to the big band sound.

Buy an iPod or similar product that will allow you to create playlists. (You can buy a speaker small enough to carry in a purse.) And then start testing different types of music. When you play songs for her that illicit a happy, positive response, add them to the playlist. Singing and/or dancing with your mother can lift her spirit as well as yours. (Don’t worry about how you look or sound. Just focus on having a little fun together.
Sometimes silly is better!)

Animals
As we age and lose our spouses and friends, we also lose the physical connection to other human beings. Elderly people don’t get hugged or touched nearly as often as they did when they were young. Holding or petting an animal can help fill that void.

If you have a dog, and it responds well to your mom, bring it along when you visit. You might even want to consider enrolling it in a therapy animal training course. If you don’t have an animal and you don’t want one, consider doing a little research to see if there are people in your community who have therapy animals who would be willing to visit on a regular basis. Perhaps you could time your visits with the therapy animal’s visit.

Connecting with another living being can be tremendously calming and reassuring. Animals don’t judge or scold. They don’t get impatient when a person with Alzheimer’s asks the same question over and over and over again. They don’t get upset if you don’t remember their name or how they fit into your life. They simply give unqualified love. Who wouldn’t enjoy that?

Home Videos
Your mom’s short term memory may be completely gone, but if she still has long-term memories and is conversant, try recording a series of conversations on a video camera. (You can purchase a little Flip camera for less than $100, and they are easy to operate.) Make up a list of questions you can ask, such as:

• What was your mother like when you were growing up?
• What did your dad do for a living?
• Who was your best friend in elementary school?
• Did you ever do anything in school that got you in trouble with your teachers?
• Tell me about your first boyfriend?
• Do you remember your first kiss?
• What do you remember about the day Pearl Harbor was bombed?
• What was your wedding like?
• Where were you the day President Kennedy was shot?
• What was your first job?

Ask a lot of follow-up questions. The answers may or may not be accurate, so don’t get too attached to reality – just get her to talk. These recorded conversations could become a treasure to your family – or they could be nothing more than a time filler. The outcome really doesn’t matter that much. The key will be for you to engage her in a conversation in which she can talk about her life as she remembers it – in the moment that she is talking about it.

Then when you are stuck for something to talk about, play the video and let your mother watch. Even if she doesn’t recognize herself, you can have fun talking about the stories that the lady on the video is sharing.
If you have grandchildren or friends with young children, ask them to make videos of their activities and post them on YouTube. Don’t worry if your mother doesn’t recognize the kids. The important thing is to share the experience, and hopefully some laughter.

Observe Children at Play

A good friend of mine discovered recently that her mother loves watching children at play. McDonald’s restaurants with Play Places can provide lots of entertainment. My friend buys her mother an ice cream sundae, and then they settle themselves into a seat next to the Play Place so they can watch the children through the window. The kids always do something funny, which makes conversation and laughter flow easily. When she takes her mom back to her memory care facility, they both feel invigorated by the fun outing.

Coffee Table Books

Coffee table books with pretty photos can provide another source of entertainment and conversation. You can find these books at your local library, at used book stores, and often on bargain tables at new book stores. Going through the photos together can spark conversation and pass the time. Your mom may not remember a book or the
photos from one visit to another, but in order to keep it interesting for you, you might want to get a variety of books. Just make sure they have lots of brightly colored photos.

Set a Time Limit

The key for you might be to establish a time limit on how long you are going to stay. If a half hour is all you can handle, then decide to make those 30 minutes fun. Focus on the quality of the time you are with her – not the quantity. Leave your reality, resentments, worries and grudges at the front door and join your mother wherever she is at the moment. Be fully present while you’re with her, and when you leave, allow yourself to
feel good about having given her this gift of undivided attention and love