Moments with Madelyn Series – Free Articles

You are welcome to copy, share, and publish any of Elaine’s articles on this page.  Please include her name as the author, and her contact information, which is included in the resource box at the bottom of each article.

A Moment with Madelyn – Accepting Death as a Part of Life

Based on an excerpt from Letters from Madelyn, Chronicles of a Caregiver

By:  Elaine K. Sanchez
Email:  Elaine@EKSanchez.com

We all know that it is inevitable, but in our society death is often viewed as the ultimate failure to control our circumstances.  Extreme measures are frequently taken to prolong life, even when there is no hope for improvement or recovery. Often when families find themselves that situation, they stop talking.  It’s unfortunate when this happens,  because once a loved one is gone, there will never be another opportunity to express love or to heal old wounds.

Madelyn took a matter-of-fact approach to death.  She and Quentin talked about it quite often.  She wrote:

“On the fourth anniversary of Quentin’s stroke he was terribly depressed.  He was convinced he was going to die that night, and he wanted to.  When we went to bed he told me if I woke up and he was having a problem, he wanted me to try to go back to sleep and leave him alone.

He woke up alive and fairly cheerful the next morning.

I never get excited about death premonitions the way my mother did.  Dad could make her jump through a hoop when he would cry and say he was dying.  I made three trips to Florida one year.  She would call me up crying and upset about him.  Frankly, it never made much sense to me, as she had kept a nice black dress in the back of her closet to wear to his funeral since 1946.

One time Dad started the crying with me and saying he was going to die.  I said I thought death was one of the nicest things God had planned for us.  I told him it would be terrible to think a person would have to go on forever in a body that was hurting and didn’t work right.  I still feel that way.  He stopped crying while I was there.

It isn’t very exciting to be in the position we are now where you realize every time you buy something new that it will probably be the last time you make that kind of purchase.  It’s also frustrating to know there is no way you can get a job to add to your income and that you don’t have the opportunity to make long-range plans any more.

We’ve had a good life and a good marriage, and there does seem to be a built-in clock that knows the whole show could be over any time. It’s something a person seems to know and in a way accept.  When one has lived life well and has no regrets about choices or actions, there seems to be an in-born intelligence that realizes what is happening and accepts it without self-pity or fear.”

When we don’t talk about death, we also don’t talk about life.  We miss the opportunity to share the depth of our love, our fondest memories, and our appreciation for one another.  And tragically, when we don’t settle old arguments, and when we don’t speak words of forgiveness, we end up with regrets and hurt feelings that never get resolved.

Although you may feel uneasy at first, talking about death can help your care receiver know that he/she is not facing this final journey alone. Open conversations can help alleviate fear and facilitate some wonderful conversations.  And in the end, what could be more comforting than passing from this earthly life enfolded in love with the knowledge that we have left nothing  unsaid or undone.

_______________

Elaine K. Sanchez is a Caregiver Survivalist, author, and speaker whose passion is helping people cope with the emotional stress of caregiving. To read more articles, watch videos, sign up for her free newsletter, or contact her about speaking for your group, visit her website at:  www.ElaineKSanchez.com.

_______________