Moments with Madelyn Series – Free Articles

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Understanding Caregiver Guilt

By: Elaine K. Sanchez
Email:  Elaine@EKSanchez.com

The dictionary defines guilt as a feeling of having done wrong or having failed in an obligation.  Guilt isn’t all bad, in that it prevents us from intentionally inflicting pain, injury, or suffering on others.  It can, however, be an extremely cruel and controlling emotion.

Caregivers often get caught up in a spiraling cycle of anger followed by guilt.  They feel guilty for losing their tempers, for having negative thoughts, for wanting a little free time for themselves, for not being able to keep promises, for  family conflicts, and for sometimes wishing their loved one would just die.

Whether guilt is being imposed on us by others, or whether it is self-imposed, it is important to remember that it often leads to feelings of resentment and depression.

Before you accept the responsibility or guilt for some action or inaction, examine your motives, your physical and emotional condition and other circumstances around the event, and then ask yourself these questions:

Did I intentionally cause harm to another person?  ❑ Yes ❑ No

Could I accept, explain or forgive that behavior in someone else? ❑ Yes ❑  No

Is this feeling being imposed on me by someone else? ❑ Yes ❑ No

Can I change what happened?  ❑ Yes ❑ No

Does my guilt benefit my care receiver?  ❑ Yes ❑ No

Caregivers often have unrealistic expectations of themselves. They want to do the right thing, and they are constantly putting pressure on themselves to put their care receiver’s needs first. They think they should always be loving, patient, and kind. But the truth is, we’re human, and when our own needs aren’t being met, it becomes increasingly  difficult to meet the needs of someone who cannot take care of him/herself.

Caregivers often confuse guilt with regret. Remember that guilt is the feeling we experience when we intentionally cause physical or emotional harm to another person. Regret is different, in that it is a feeling of sadness or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.  We regret a loss or a missed opportunity.

It’s perfectly normal and acceptable to regret how your care receiver’s life and your life has changed as a result of an illness or injury. It’s natural to feel tremendous sadness and disappointment over the progression of a disease, but it is not healthy for you to stop living your life and accept the responsibility for your care receiver’s condition.  You didn’t cause it.  You can’t change it.  If your body is still healthy, if you can still pursue a career, if you can enjoy being with family and friends – feel grateful, not guilty.

The next time you feel the Guilt Monster closing in on you, try reframing your thinking. Instead of thinking, “I feel guilty about . .  ” say to yourself, “I regret that . . .”

• I am angry with my care receiver, and I regret that I have negative feelings toward him/her right now.
• I need some time to myself, and I regret that this causes stress for him/her.
• I am carrying a heavy burden, and I regret that I feel resentful about that.

It is important to remember that having negative feelings doesn’t make you a bad person.  You are perfectly entitled to feel all of your emotions. However, if you are experiencing feelings of guilt because you have intentionally caused physical or emotional harm, or if you are afraid that you might cross the line and hurt someone, seek help immediately.

Every state has at least one Elder abuse helpline that offers support to caregivers.  You can also call the national Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 for information and referral.

HelpGuide.org is a great resource for information. If you are feeling overwhelmed by your caregiving demands, they recommend the following:

• Request help, from friends, relatives, or local respite care agencies, so you can take a break, even if it is only for a few hours
• Get involved in a caregiver support group
• Enroll your care receiver in an adult day care program
• Take care of your own physical and emotional health
• If you suspect you may be depressed, see your doctor.  You may need medication and/or counseling
• If you’re having problems with drug or alcohol abuse, get help

Understand that caring for an aging, chronically ill, or disabled person is extremely stressful.  You will get angry.  There will be times when you say and do things that you wish you hadn’t.  And there will be times when you don’t like the way you feel toward your care receiver.

When those things happen, give yourself permission to be human.  Apologize when it’s appropriate, express your regret over the event or emotion, and then leave the job of determining and assigning guilt where it belongs – in courts of law.

Elaine K. Sanchez is a Caregiver Survivalist, author, and speaker whose passion is helping people cope with the emotional stress of caregiving. To read more articles, watch videos, or participate in her caregiver blog, visit her website at: http.//ElaineKSanchez.com.